


Dungeons and Dragons and Seduction... Oh my

by NerdInATrenchcoat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adventure, Bad Puns, Dungeons and Dragons, M/M, Silly, Teen AU, dnd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdInATrenchcoat/pseuds/NerdInATrenchcoat
Summary: Gabriel DM's an exciting DnD campaign!





	Dungeons and Dragons and Seduction... Oh my

"Alright kiddies, gather around for a tale of mischief and adventure!" Gabriel begins dramatically.  
"My two middle names!" Charlie squeals in anticipation.  
"Once there was a peasant boy with mommy issues and very few morals. He sold his soul to a demon, and in exchange he became king! It is told that he gained immense powers and friends in high places, so if you make him a strong enough offer, he could give you anything you desire. He reigns in the land of Rubydom, because his wealth is brought by an abundance of rubies in the caverns below."  
Sam scoffs, "Seriously Gabe? Rubydom? That's stupid."  
"Well _excuse me_ , Merlin Jr., you're not one to judge." Gabriel cocks an eyebrow.  
"That's not fair, I didn't pick that name!"  
Dean breaks into a fit of chuckles and nudges Cas who sits next to him, "It's perfect, kid's never gonna forget it."  
Sam huffs, "Damn right I won't."  
"AS I Was saying, Rubydom resides in the land of Odd, which just so happens to be the place you all just fell into. Literally..." Gabriel describes the strange tornado that came out of nowhere and scooped them into a different dimension.  
Charlie's eyes light up, "Yay! My favorite story."  
"Oh yes, and you've all landed in different parts of Odd, just for kicks." He adds.  
"Wonderful." Cas shakes his head, _that's what we get for electing a chaotic evil DM._  
"Charlie! We'll start with your character, Leszira the Clever." He smiles, "You and your pet snake landed on top of something squishy, and are surrounded by dwarves."  
"Oh dear, I sit up cautiously? Ooh! Spot check." She rolls her bright orange d20, "12?"  
Gabriel describes the pink sky above her, the confused dwarves around her, and purple bricks below her.  
"The funniest looking dwarf walks up to you and says, "'Excuse me Miss, you seem to have fallen upon Sir Cain, Knight of the East.'"  
"'Oh dear'-I stand up-'I'm so sorry, is he...?'"  
Gabriel nods, "'He appears to be...dead.'"  
Charlie smiles meekly, "Oops."  
"Suddenly the entire village is dancing and cheering, 'the Wicked Knight is dead!'" He imitates some poor dancing, "And then suddenly, from the sky a beautiful blond man in a white suit appears... He says, 'Hello lost child, I don't mean to be rude but, are you a good Knight, or a bad Knight?'"  
Charlie glances at her character sheet, she is a bard, but a True Neutral bard, "'A good knight! For the most part.'"  
"'Fantastic. I'm Lucifer, of the North, and it looks like you've acquired Sir Cain's tattoo.' You look down to see a swirly gold seal imprinted on your forearm."  
Cas interrupts, "I'm sorry, a seal? As in, the animal?"  
The table laughs, and Gabriel answers, "No numbskull, like a royal seal."  
Cas nods, embarrassed.  
Charlie expresses her concern.  
"'Don't worry child, it shall assist you on your journey.'"  
"'Yes! I have to find my friends, and somehow get back home...'"  
"'Seek the Wizard of Odd, well, they call him a wizard, he's actually a King. Just follow the purple brick road, it shall lead you to Rubydum, and there you shall find your way home... Nice pet by the way.' Lucifer winks and then slowly fades away until he vanishes."  
"Awesome." Dean grins.

* * *

"Dean, you're up! You wake up tied to a post several feet off the ground, with a crow on top of your head."  
Dean grimaces, "I yell and move my head around until it leaves."  
Gabriel laughs, "Charlie, do a listen check, Dean do a spot check."  
They both roll, Charlie gets a 13, Dean gets a 19.  
"Leszira hears a faint whining in the distance-"  
"Hey!" Dean objects.  
"-and our brave warrior, Johnny Cash," he pauses to Dean who sits back, satisfied with his life choices, "clearly sees Leszira skipping down the brick road."  
"I call out to her, 'Lezzie!! A little help here!' What, what is it? Why are you laughing?" Dean turns to his friends who are cackling hysterically.  
A gentle hand lands on his shoulder, "I believe 'Lezzie' is short for lesbian, you've been set up."  
Dean stares at Cas with pinkish cheeks and mumbles, "Sonuvabitch."

* * *

"'Run faster!'" Charlie's character shouts.  
"'I'm trying! Into the woods!'" Dean's character replies.  
"The flying monkeys chatter and flap away as they lose you in the trees." Gabriel narrates, "'I'll get you my pretty, and your little snake too!' she yells after you."  
"'I think we lost her,'" Johnny hopes.  
"Phew," Charlie sighs, not having done any real running.  
"You then come upon a strangely familiar statue...but when you get closer, you see it's just covered in duck tape." He smirks.  
Sam dips his head, knowing what's next.  
"I've got it," Dean rolls for strength, "7?! But I'm a warrior!"  
Gabriel laughs, "You attempt to pull the duck tape off Merlin Jr.'s face but fail."  
Dean huffs, "I'll try again," he rolls, "9?? Stupid skill mods aren't helping me."  
"Psh, I'm gonna prestidigitate this bitch, love a cantrip." Charlie looks to the DM.  
He nods, "Voila, Merlin's tape free...and also somewhat hair free on certain parts of his body."

* * *

"'Shh! What was that?'" Leszira asks after hearing something in the woods.  
Everyone does a spot check, and Merlin Jr. sees movement in the bushes.  
"'Draw your weapons!'" He stage-whispers.  
Leszira draws her short-bow, Johnny unsheathes his bastard sword, and Merlin Jr. pulls out his battle ax.  
"'Show yourself!'" Demands Johnny Cash.  
"And out from behind the bushes emerges...a large tabby cat!" Gabriel snickers as Cas jokingly emits a deep roar.  
"I put my sword away and look confused." Dean looks suspicious.  
"'Oh no, Buster!'" Leszira the Clever shouts as her pet snake slithers towards the blue-eyed tabby.  
Castiel's character, Castiel (he's new to this), jumps back, hissing.  
"'Woah, woah, woah.' I shuffle over and scoop up the tabby before Buster reaches him." Dean responds.  
Cas smiles, "Uhmm, I nuzzle your face." He says shamelessly.  
Dean stammers, "I uh, sneeze, because I'm allergic to cats."  
The group snickers.  
Charlie smiles innocently, "I put Buster away in my satchel..."  
"And I cast a restoration spell on Cas," Sam rolls, "unnatural 20."  
Gabriel jokes, "Don't you mean- _supernatural_ 20?"  
The table becomes silent.  
He crosses his arms and sits back, "Everybody's a critic. The spell works, Cas is an elf again."  
Dean playfully hits Sam's arm, "Ha! You're a wizard Sammy!"  
The group groans and giggles simultaneously.  
"Yeah, that stopped being funny the third time you said it," complained Sam.  
Dean pouts, then replies, "C'mon Tin Man, have a heart."  
**_Before Sam slaughters Dean mercilessly..._**

* * *

"'We're off to see the Wizard/King, the wonderful Wizard/King of Odd!'" Charlie sings excitedly.  
"Do we get inspiration for that?" Sam asks the DM.  
Gabriel rolls his eyes, "You come upon a vast field of...what appears to be the tops of carrots, which lay before the great kingdom of Rubydom."  
Charlie scrunches her nose, "Can we...check for magic?"  
"Ha, yeah, _magic._ " Dean winks forcefully.  
Sam shakes his head, "Let's just go around."  
"I agree with Sam." Castiel states.  
"Come on guys... Let's _light_ up this adventure." Dean snorts.  
"I'm just gonna start walking." Sam says decidedly.  
"I'll follow," Charlie answers.  
"Dean? Er-'Johnny, are you coming?'" Cas wonders.  
Dean sighs, defeated, "'Sure buddy...'"  
He whispers to Charlie, "I love this game; rolling poorly, making bad puns, the DnD business."  
She nods in agreement, "I knew you would."  
**_Several minutes later..._**  
"Ohh!!" Castiel exclaims, "You were alluding to marijuana."  
The group just shakes their heads.

* * *

"'ENTERRR...'" Gabriel mimics the "wizard".  
"Uh, we enter?" Charlie answers.  
In a British accent, "'Two humans, an elf, and a half-elf walk into a lair...'" Gabriel describes the grand throne room with red smoke emitting from parts unknown, a large floating head of a bearded man above the throne.  
Castiel starts, "'Greetings, your majesticalness-'"  
"'Majesty,'" Sam corrects.  
"'-majesty, we are here to seek your aide.'" He finishes.  
"The head pauses, then commands, 'You, bard, step forward.'"  
"I hesitantly step forward..." Charlie responds.  
"'What do we have here?' The seal on your arm starts to glow, 'You've acquired the Tattoo of Sir Cain, aha, so _you_ killed my knight.'"  
"'I'm really sorry about that, wrong place, wrong time...'" She grimaces.  
"The head eyes you all suspiciously." Says Gabriel.  
"'It's true, your majesty, we just want to get home.'" Johnny Cash defends.  
Gabriel rolls a die, likely to sense motive, "'Very well, I'll send you all on your way if you do one, _wee_ little favor for me.'"  
He explains how he and the knights once lived together in harmony, when suddenly the Knight of the West attacked.  
"'Abaddon, that whore, thinks she can take over _my kingdom_. I give you my word, if you kill that red headed twat I'll send you on your merry way home.'"  
Charlie pets her red hair protectively, regarding her comrades. They nod.  
"'You've got yourself a deal.'"

* * *

"Why so stiff Cas?" Dean asks with a mouth full of pretzels.  
Cas shifts in his chair, "What do you mean?"  
Dean shrugs, "Nothing, you're just kinda...rigid."  
"Well I am a lawful good paladin, Dean." He states matter-of-factly.  
Dean leans into him, "Yeah I know, but you can afford to loosen up a bit."  
Gabriel coughs, "Roll for persuasion."  
Dean looks up, realizing the rest of the group is staring at them.  
"What? That wasn't in game-shut up."  
The group snickers, Cas smiles.  
"I'm gonna go...check on the pasta," Sam excuses himself.

* * *

"The tall red headed woman struts across the room, examining each of her restrained opponents, and snickers, ' _This_ is what the king sends to kill me? A lost girl, a scarecrow, a tin man, and a cowardly lion? Pathetic!'"  
Charlie pretends to struggle in the hands of Abaddon's minions, "'There's a lot more to us than you think.'"  
"'Ha, okay sweetheart.' She turns to one of her minions, 'Throw them in the pit.' And the winged-monkeys hoist you all away to a dark hole, dropping you in and closing the iron bars over you."  
Dean crosses his arms, "Well f***."  
The group discovers their only way out is up.  
Gabriel asks, "So guys, what's the plan?"  
The four kids look at each other, unsure.  
Charlie shrugs, "'I've got thirty feet of rope? No grapple hook though.'"  
"'I have a gallon of holy water,'" adds Castiel, "'but I realize that's not currently useful.'"  
"'Okay who's good at lock picking?'" Dean looks around.  
Charlie slowly raises her hand.  
"'Alrighty, I'll hoist you up,'" He decides.  
Cas squints, "'Can you reach?'"  
**_A few minutes later..._**  
"'Cas-stop-stop digging your heels into my stomach,'" Grunts Johnny Cash.  
"'I don't want to drop Leszira,'"  
Charlie nods, "'Yeah and Leszira doesn't wanna be dropped!'"  
Dean rolls his eyes, "'Just wrap it up,' before my next strength check."  
So there their characters are, stacked on top of one another while Merlin Jr. spots as their magical backup.  
"Speaking of..." Taunts Gabriel.  
"'Got it!'" Shouts Charlie, as she rolls high enough. "Can I try to push it open?"  
Gabriel sighs, "Yeah, sure."  
Sam snickers, "Dean, whatever you do, don't sneeze."  
"Bite me."

* * *

The four adventurers put their plan into action... Merlin Jr. the distraction, his mirage leading away the flying monkeys. Johnny the door, blocking the knight's path. And Castiel the decoy, to throw her off. All while Leszira the Clever sneaks up behind her with a bucket of holy water (which one feeling-left-out Paladin was pleased to contribute).  
"Roll for stealth," Charlie looks at the DM pointedly, "with advantage..." Gabriel sighs.  
She succeeds, just as Castiel's rapier is knocked from his hand while he and Johnny are flung against the wall...Leszira chucks the water in the bucket onto Abaddon, hoping for the best.  
"'Ahhhhhhhhhhhh,' she screams melodramatically, sizzling like bacon. 'You insufferable cockroaches!' She screeches, summoning her minions back to her." Gabriel exclaims excitedly.  
Merlin Jr. struggles to hold the monkeys back while Castiel and Johnny Cash gasp for air. Leszira the Clever faces off with the Knight of the West, holding the empty bucket like a deer in the headlights.  
"Abaddon grips your neck and holds you up in front of her, still steaming from the holy water, 'You maggots think you can melt a Knight of Odd?'"  
"To be fair," Castiel adds hoarsely, "she did crush Cain with the weight of her body."  
Dean smiles sweetly at his friend's remark.  
Gabriel groans, "Before she shivs you with her claws, the knight takes notice of the seal on your arm, putting you back down for a moment. 'So it's true. No wonder Crowley put his faith in you, better that than do his own dirty work. Alright, enough talk, time to eat your hearts for lunch.'"  
But what Abaddon doesn't know will hurt her.  
Charlie glowers with rage, "'Not. So. Fast.' I'm rolling for strength, I'm gonna bitchslap this-" she searches hurriedly for the right insult-"hoe."  
"'No one messes with _my friends_ ,'" she releases the d20 from her hand.  
The players lean close in anticipation, when the die lands with a bump, spin, and a thud.  
The table erupts, "NAT TWENTY!!!!!"  
Charlie and her friends cheer ecstatically.  
Gabriel throws his arms up in defeat, "The seal glows bright gold as your arm swings almost in slow motion, your hand impacting with Abaddon's no longer smug face. Her eyes and mouth glow an intense orange before she collapses to the ground. She's dead, you motherf***er's killed her with a bitchslap!"  
The players jump up, high-fiving and hugging, Dean and Cas awkwardly patting each other.

* * *

"'I have to say, I'm fairly impressed. Would you four be interested in becoming my new leaders in combat, as I seem to be short-handed?' The king offers generously," Gabriel boasts.  
Dean bites his lip, "'Well...'"  
"Dean, no." Sam regards him pointedly.  
"Don't tell me you don't secretly wanna be knighted!" He defends.  
Castiel and Charlie laugh.  
She shakes her head, "'Thank you for your offer, great Wizard of Odd, but I'm afraid we must decline.'"  
"'Then our original deal still stands, I shall grant you safe passage home to...where did you say you're from?'"  
"Kansas?" Dean shrugs.  
Meanwhile, Buster is sneakily slithering behind a curtain in the throne room.  
Gabriel continues, "'Kansas? Why does that sound fa-hey! Ahhhh-' A short British man in a suit emerges from a hidden room, clearing his throat once he sees he's blown his cover.  
"'Uhh...'" Charlie and Leszira raise an eyebrow.  
Gabriel explains in a British accent how he was just a salesman named Crowley that gained power through his hoax, "'It's not magic, just business deals with the right morons.' He hissed back at Buster, 'Keep your pet in check, do y'mind?'"  
"'So you can't get us home?'" Leszira pouts, thinking she's gone through so much trouble for nothing.  
"'Well, not _me_ , per say.'"

* * *

"You wake up in bed to see your three best friends standing above you, watching, sketchily," Sam playfully nudges Gabriel.  
"'I just had the strangest dream,'" Charlie plays along, "'and you were there,'"she points to Dean, "'and you were there,'" she points to Sam, "'and you were there, as a cat,'" she points to Cas, who smiles.  
"'What's the last thing you remember?'" Asks Johnny Cash.  
Charlie squints, "'Lucifer...was making my arm glow. No wait, _I_ was making my arm glow.' I close my eyes and remember, 'there's no place like home...'"  
"I still feel like we're going to regret that," murmurs Cas.  
Gabriel shrugs, "What you don't know won't hurt you." He winks, "Probably."  
"Mission accomplished," Dean grins, uncaring, "high fives all around."  
"One Hell of a campaign, Gabe, gotta hand it to you." Sam admits.  
"You're acting like it's over!" He scoffs.  
Cas tilts his head, "You mean it isn't?"  
The DM makes a devilish grin, "Heck no, this is just the _beginning..._ "  
Charlie utters in a shrill voice, "Oh my."


End file.
